Too Funny!

"Lizard Birth"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.


Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded.

"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged."Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth..."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient.After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.

It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor... In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um. . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its . . . teeny little . . ."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


Two lizards: $140.





One cage: $50.





Trip to the vet: $30.





Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.





Lizards lay eggs!

Reward Yourself

Do you reward yourself when you reach a specific weight goal? If not, maybe you need to. I originally planned to reward myself with a new haircut when I lost my first 10%. I couldn't get focused, so I decided that I was going to get the haircut first! I did that about 5 weeks ago and so far so good. So my reward for losing my first 10% of weight is going to be a new set of nails! No not the nails you use when building, finger nails!

It is amazing how you feel after small changes are made. After I cut my hair I thought "Geez, you have this great new haircut, let's get the rest of yourself to look as good as your hair!" It has been tough going but I think this week will be a great success! (I kinda peeked)

As some of you know I changed up the plan a little. Weight Watcher's offers two plans, Core and Flex. I have ALWAYS done Flex because it allowed me to eat all the stuff I love all while staying within a points range.(alot of measuring and weighing food) But after some very disappointing weight loss I switched to Core. Core focuses on eating specific foods, whole grains, lean meat, fat free dairy, fruits and veggies. (No points or weighing) Core teaches you your comfort zone, listening to your body say, I am satisfied now, you can stop eating! It was tough at first, but I think I have a handle on it now.

I must say that all my sweet, salty junk food cravings have vanished! Poof, gone! It took a couple of days but as I sit here and think about it I haven't had a bag of chips since Monday. Yes, Monday!! I am amazed, I am the junk food goddess and now, I don't even crave it!

Baseball Season Has Offically Started!!

YEAH...the one and only sport I will actually sit and watch! I LOVE BASEBALL.....

Goofin Off

Yup...that is what I have been doin! Not good, I just can't seem to get focused today. I was just checking out Pigeon Forge cabins. Don't ask why, cause I really am not sure myself. Nice looking place though.

We just got a Vision System here at work, all thanks to our new Director of Quality. It's pretty nice, too bad the moron Process Engineers are training on it first. These guys can't even get the job routing right and they are training on the Vision System first. Gimme a break, they should take a training class in reviewing their work first! I am thoroughly disappointed that inspectors are not training first. They will be the ones to use it most often, yet they are going to one of the last groups to be trained. I sit in an office all day, so imagine when I will get my turn..HA...I'll have to beg to be trained.

They'll say" Ann Marie, you have more important things to take care of. You will probably never use this thing so don't even concern yourself."

Basically I am a paper pusher, I review audits, go to audits, make certs, issue CARS, ICARS, take care of RMA's and so on...bla..bla..bla...but I do still like to inspect once in a while!

The new toy!

This award is for Cliff at WIXY's Gone Bananas. If you know Cliff then you know he has to be one of the most kind hearted bloggers I have met. He always has something nice to say or a great blog to promote. He has been one of, if not my biggest promoter for A Day In The Zone and for that I am sooo thankful. So please take the time to stop by his blog, check it out and say hello to him.

You've Been A Weight Watcher For How Long?

During Saturdays meeting the leader asked how long we have been doing this for. Most people shyed away from answering that question, not me though. I raised my hand and said "Every year for 8 years!" Am I proud of that? No not really, but I think it was a wake up call. Saying it out loud was almost a kick in the, well, ass! The other members gave me a strange look and the leader just about choked, but it is the truth. You can't be successful if you can't be honest! So I am proud to say" I have joined Weight Watcher's every year for the last eight, yup count'em, EIGHT years and have failed miserably each time!" Somehow I feel this year will be different!

Needless to say it amazes me how much MORE weight I have gained since I first started Weight Watcher's. I didn't gain from the plan, I gained due to lack of following the plan! Eight years ago I started Weight Watcher's 40 pounds lighter than I did when I went back late last year. It amazes me how you can lose weight, gain it back AND add a little more on. So over the eight years I have packed on an extra 40 pounds! Would it have happened anyways? Who know, maybe, maybe not.

I have never announced my actual weight on my blog and have wondered if I did do that would it motivate me more or would it open me up to nasty comments? Quite honestly, nasty comments don't bother me. For me it would be motivation, I can use some of that sometimes! I dunno, I guess I will have to think about it a bit more.

Yesterday's Weigh In

Well, let's just say it could have been better! I lost a wonderful .2 pounds! Trust me I was less than thrilled. Sometimes it feels like a kick in the butt when you work so hard and end up with disappointing results. So I have decided to switch it up. As you all know I am on Weight Watcher's and I have been doing the Flex Plan. For the next two weeks I am going to switch to the Core Plan. I think it may be a little more difficult, but I have no doubt in my mind that I can do it as long as I keep myself focused. Heck, maybe I will like it better! No counting or weighing. Just me and my belly and the food, well that would consist of fruits, veggies, lean meats and whole grains! The key is to be in tune with your body when eating, you want to be satisfied!

I started the Core Plan yesterday and did well. Hopefully when faced with stress I don't run and bury my face in a bag of junk food!

It Will Be A Little Quiet Around Here

So it will be quiet around here for a while. The people upstairs are moving out soon! I guess it is an okay thing, we never really socialized much except for the hello or good morning and the occasional conversation. The oldest son told my husband that they found a house. I am not sure if they bout or are going to rent, but either way, good for them! Makes me want to buy a house, lol..here comes the little green eyed monster! I want somewhere to put patio furniture! Maybe someday. Hopefully the next family that moves in will be decent. Our landlord is kind picky, which is great as far as I am concerned. So far so good!